I don’t understand so much of what happens in the corporate world. I’ve been thinking about that a lot as we collectively wonder how Dove greenlighted that racist ad, or how Pepsi thought appropriating Black Lives Matter imagery for an ad starring Kendall Jenner was totally fine. Who sits in these meetings? Does anyone in those meetings ever say, “let’s stop for a moment and really think this through?” Well, I’m wondering again what happens in these corporate meetings, because PepsiCo CEO Indra Nooyi said this week that their subsidiary company, Frito-Lay, plans on introducing special Doritos for ladies. Because OG Male Doritos are just too messy and noisy for ladies’ delicate sensibilities, so they’re making Lady Doritos quieter and less crumbly or something. From the Chicago Tribune’s piece, “Lady Doritos that don’t crunch: A brief mansplaination.”
For too long, women around the globe have struggled under the yoke of noisy, messy snack foods. Chips crunch. Doritos crumble in-mouth with explosive volume. Cheetos leave the kind of powdery finger residue only a hard-working, indomitable man could tolerate. But at last, the gender-alert officials at PepsiCo — parent company of snack maker Frito-Lay — have recognized the struggle and moved to make life better for women everywhere with the idea of lady-friendly chips.
These kinder, gentler Doritos will have a less-audible crunch and won’t leave as much luscious and all-natural Cool Ranch powder on the dainty fingers of she-snackers.
PepsiCo CEO Indra Nooyi told Freakonomics Radio: “As you watch a lot of the young guys eat the chips, they love their Doritos, and they lick their fingers with great glee, and when they reach the bottom of the bag they pour the little broken pieces into their mouth, because they don’t want to lose that taste of the flavor, and the broken chips in the bottom. … Women I think would love to do the same, but they don’t. They don’t like to crunch too loudly in public. And they don’t lick their fingers generously and they don’t like to pour the little broken pieces and the flavor into their mouth.”
It’s a well-established rule of etiquette that a proper lady never pours the flavor into her mouth. But in the modern era, is it fair that a woman should do without delicious, flavor-dusted corn-ish chips simply because her consumption volume would shatter the feminine mystique?
Of course not. This is a new age, and companies like Frito-Lay are embracing the feminist motto: “We’re here, we’re strong, and we hope nobody notices it when we’re eating chips!”
THIS IS PATRIARCHY. This is food patriarchy! While Doritos are an acquired taste, most of the lady snackers I’ve known in my life can and will straight up murder a bag of salty chips, regardless of the less-than-delicate crunch and chip dust. Why must Lady Doritos happen, and will the ladies be getting other patriarchal foodstuffs? Perhaps we can get Lady Utz too, and Lady M&Ms and Lady Snickers (too gooey for ladies!) and Lady Pizza.
Anyway, the whole reason I’m writing about this is because the tweets are amazing.
I've heard from my inside snack sources that the new Lady Doritos bags have inspiring slogans pasted on them like "You should smile more!" and "You'll never get a husband THAT way!".
— Fran Snarkenton (@KeepMNBlue) February 5, 2018
[looks at Dow Jones]
Lady Doritos? In THIS economy?
— Parker Molloy (@ParkerMolloy) February 5, 2018
The Lady Doritos Stock Market Panic of 2018
— Andy Richter (@AndyRichter) February 5, 2018
Women: We want equal pay for equal work and an end to sex discrimination in the workplace.
Society: Here’s a bag of Lady Doritos so you won’t have to crunch too loudly in front of your male colleagues.
— Marie Connor (@thistallawkgirl) February 5, 2018
I want to know how the Lady Doritos conversation went
Bob: Hey Sharon! Doritos needs to take a stronger stance in the Me Too movement. Any ideas?
Sharon: Equal pay… perhaps more resources for women who experience harassment in the workplace?
Bob: Doritos for Ladies. Got it!
— megan (@m_dot_brown) February 5, 2018
Women would rather have affordable feminine hygiene products and contraception but instead we get Lady Doritos.
— Shea (@iamsheajenkins) February 5, 2018
You could see there was lady doritos coming out of her eyes, lady doritos coming out of her wherever.
— Frederick Douglass (@gettinnoticedmo) February 5, 2018
Breaking news: Mike Pence not allowed to be in the same room as Lady Doritos unless he is accompanied by “Mother.”
— Linda Childers (@lindachilders1) February 5, 2018
And if they fail to remain silent, the chips will be re-branded as hysterical liars who are ruining chips for everyone. https://t.co/RPGueXqsBK
— Eva Holland (@evaholland) February 5, 2018
Photos courtesy of Getty.