Sarah Michelle Gellar: anyone saying ‘relationships aren’t work isn’t in a real one’

Day 3 #loveyourspousechallenge. My #dirty30 (party planned entirely by @realfreddieprinze)

A photo posted by Sarah Michelle (@sarahmgellar) on

Sarah Michelle Gellar is promoting a new line of baking kits she created called Foodstirs, She describes them as “curated, healthy baking projects and mixes” which families can make together. They range from slightly pricey at $5.99 for brownie mix (for reference Ghirardelli is $2.08 a package) to very expensive at $17.99 for a brownie pop kit that includes popsicle sticks, frosting and sprinkles. For $17.99 at least throw in a pan! I can’t fault Gellar for getting in on the celebrity product bandwagon and at least she’s putting out products that have meaning for her and her family. Plus she’s not one of those celebrities calling the paparazzi, going to every opening and talking about her kids constantly, we barely see her.

In a promotional interview with People, Gellar talks about her 14 year marriage, to Freddie Prinze, Jr., and how she doesn’t want her kids to go into show business unless they chose it, which is sensible. She has a son and daughter with Prinze, Rocky James, four, and Charlotte Grace, seven. Her son is named Rocky?! How did I forget this?

For [Sarah Michelle Gellar] it’s important to let her son Rocky James, 4, and daughter Charlotte Grace, 7, do their own thing.

“It’s different because I wasn’t the child of someone that was in the public eye, and so unfortunately I think the rules are different,” she told PEOPLE at Kids in the Kitchen at The Grove in Los Angeles on Sunday.

“I think there’s a very different pressure for ‘the children of’ … They can decide what they want to do for themselves. I’ll never push them. But, in the meantime, they have to stick to schooling. My kids have too much stage fright anyway.”

As for her 14-year marriage to Prinze? Gellar says the key to a strong relationship is putting in effort.

“It evolves daily, and anyone that tells you that relationships aren’t work isn’t in a real one — and that goes for married couples, friends, family,” she says. “It takes work. We think we’re so connected now because of these different devices, but ultimately we’re becoming more and more disconnected.”

She adds, “It’s about putting that effort in, whether it’s a girls’ night, whether it’s making the most of any moment. My partner and I believe in that. One of the reasons we started [Foodstirs] was to spend time together.”

[From People]

I agree with her about relationships, but I always thought that there must be those people who just adore each other and for whom things go much easier than the rest of us, right? I’m not one of those type of people, but they exist and they end up together in mutual admiration and harmony, in some idyllic small town. (I know, TV and movies have ruined me.) I have friends I believe are like this – they’re always saying nice things about each other and they seem truly in love after twenty years together. I’m sure they get on each other’s nerves but if so you can’t tell from the outside. I guess you never really know what’s going on in someone else’s relationship though. We’ve seen that play out a lot lately.

SMG is on Instagram, where she’s doing the “love your spouse challenge.” She’s posting a lot of sweet photos and messages to Freddie. Look at this one they’re so young! They look exactly the same now though.

Day 4 #loveyourspousechallenge Our first #holiday together. (And our first holiday vacation together)

A photo posted by Sarah Michelle (@sarahmgellar) on

SMG is 39 and she looks fab. I’m going to pair an army type jacket with a dress, but I still don’t like this dress. There are just too many ruffles.

Getting ready to turn the #Grove into @foodstirs kitchen. Can you tell I'm ready for fall? 🍂🍁

A photo posted by Sarah Michelle (@sarahmgellar) on

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49 Responses to “Sarah Michelle Gellar: anyone saying ‘relationships aren’t work isn’t in a real one’”

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  1. Sam says:

    These two just don’t age lol They look exactly the same. Maybe Buffy and her husband turned into vampires.

  2. Astrid says:

    My first marriage of 30 years was a trial. Didn’t matter how hard we worked. My second marriage (4 years already) is a total delight. Depends on the couple I guess.

    • Wilma says:

      Yes, my relationship hasn’t felt like work so far, but feels rather effortless. But when I think about it there are a lot of things we do for and with eachother. It just doesn’t feel like work, but it is.

    • asiont says:

      I have been with my husband for almost 5 years and we haven’t had our first fight yet. I have been in tiring and difficult relationships before and this one doesn’t feel any less real.

  3. Lex says:

    The U.S. is an odd place if $5.99 is pricey… her stuff is sold at Whole Foods isn’t it??? That seems totally normal?

    • Melly says:

      I don’t think she was saying $5.99 is a lot of money, it’s just more expensive then comparable products.

    • Dani says:

      Right?? Ghierdelli brownie mix by me is usually $3.99 on sale, so $5.99 seems reasonable to me. But it also depends on location.

  4. Kimmy says:

    When 90′s girl crush got with my 90′s guy crush I about died and went to silly girl heaven. I loved these two so much back in the day! So happy they are still together and so happy.

  5. Nikki says:

    I like what she said, both that all relationships take work, and we are less, not more, connected due to our devices. I’ve been married 35 years and was shocked when a nephew said something that revealed a very idealized view of our relationship! Our strength and blessing is that we DO make each other laugh, but there are plenty of battles and even resentments at times. I LOVE that Ruth Bader Ginsburg’s mother in law advised her : “Sometimes it helps to be a little deaf..”. And Ruth Graham (wife of evangelist Billy) said “If 2 people never argue, it sounds like one of them is unnecessary!”

  6. Erinn says:

    It is work. It can be completely fulfilling work, and you can love that work. But it’s never 100% effortless all the time. Just balancing schedules and making time to spend together can be work – and it’s not always easy.

    I mean, I wouldn’t trade my husband for anything – but there have been years where it was more difficult work, while sometimes it was so easy. But I don’t regret it at all.

    Whenever you have two people living together and sharing a life, there’s going to be times where one person has to compromise in favor of the other. But if it’s done in a fair, respectful way, it’ll suck at the time, but you’ll get through it. If you add kids into the mix – it adds to the workload – but as long as those things are things you want, you don’t really mind.

    • Wren says:

      Agreed. It does take work and anyone who says otherwise is selling something. The thing is work isn’t a bad thing, and I think that’s where most people get het up about it. Work is not a bad word, and anything worthwhile requires it, including relationships. It’s how you approach the work that makes all the difference.

      If at the end of the day you don’t feel like it’s worth it, and you and your partner are on different pages, no amount of work will sustain a relationship. If it feels worthwhile to you and your partner, and you’re able to work together (key word), it won’t feel so much like work even though it is. We’ve all done jobs that barely felt like work and others that nearly every minute was drudgery. Both are work, but some work is much more enjoyable and rewarding than others. Relationships are the same.

      • paranormalgirl says:

        The work is what makes it worthwhile. Most of the time my relationship with my husband seems easy and effortless. But like Erinn said, you start to think of the schedules and the balancing and the finding time to spend together… that IS work. But work can be fun, too. When PJ and I got married, he was taking on a headstrong, successful, career-driven widow with 2 kids. That was a lot of work. If you work a little every day, it seems easy.

  7. Naya says:

    The fall out from Hiddlesplit and Brangelino are nothing compared to the global devastation that would follow Prinzellars breakup. May that day never come.

  8. Val says:

    I think it depends on the couple, and it also depends on the individuals… we’re all different, and we all communicate in different ways… I think certain people are “easier” to live with in relationships, but for others it’s really hard to be with someone. Having to compromise, having to adapt, make small efforts… for some it’s incredibly difficult to let someone in, whereas for others it happens naturally.

  9. molee says:

    Sometimes happiness is a seed on the wind that lands randomly in the perfect spot and thrives and blooms all on its own. Other times happiness is a well researched seed that requires greenhouse starting, soil preparation, composting, fertilizer, watering, weeding, staking, pruning, and perhaps even some Miracle Grow. I find that things you want to keep must be tended to and cared for. I have a lot of respect for the gardeners who don’t leave happiness to chance.

    • amunet ma'at says:

      I love the imagery you provoked with the extended metaphor and fully agree. We may have our moments, but my marriage isn’t work. It doesn’t feel like work. It’s just a nice natural process. Knock on wood! We’ve been together for 9 years and married for 6.

  10. ell says:

    buffy fan here, i grew up with her, buuuut… i’m so sick of these actors curating their shit, can’t they just stick to acting?

    • swak says:

      Why should they not have other interests? Just because they’re actors/actresses doesn’t mean they should just stick to one thing.

    • Little Darling says:

      Ell; I’ll raise you that and say I have a completely irrational dislike of so many celebrities (not all a list either!) pitching goods in commercials. I mean, it drives me mad and i don’t know why. Because of all of the other actors trying to break out? I don’t give a crap about any of it, but when I see a commercial with Ellie Kemp backed into Mila Kunis throat talking about scotch(?) that goes straight into the commercial with the guy from Pitch Perfect I get irrationally annoyed.

      So yeah, I get how this cross pollination can irrationally annoy as well!

  11. sherry says:

    Things aren’t always what they appear. The first time I realized this, it was my college boyfriend’s best friend’s parents. He always talked about them and their family as the perfect marriage and family. When I finally met them, I had to agree. They were loving and had been together since high school. Two years later he left her for a younger woman and that marriage was over.

    Same thing happened with my cousin and her husband who were together since high school and had three children. I always thought they had the perfect marriage and envied/aspired to have the same kind of marriage one day. When they separated and she filed for divorce, I cried for 3 days! I later found out he was an alcoholic and she’d been covering for him for years.

    I discovered about 2 years ago that my husband of 20 years has Narcissistic Personality Disorder. Once I discovered it, so many things made sense to me. When I was talking to friends about it they all said the same thing, “I never would have known what you’ve been through all these years! I always thought you had the perfect marriage! I was so jealous!”

    Lesson: You never know what’s going on in someone else’s life/marriage. What looks good on the outside could be horrific on the inside.

    • Wren says:

      Exactly. People are experts at hiding the cracks in public, and often even in private. I’ve gone to gatherings still seething with rage over an argument with my husband but nobody would ever know because I smile and say nice things about him. We have this cultural image of the perfect relationship and people play into it all the time which strengthens it.

      • Micki says:

        “Hiding the cracks in public” is not always bad though. I have witnessed many times private battles fought in public and it gets so ugly sometimes. And uncomfortable too when you’re asked to take a side…

        However I’m all for discussing the conflict points at home. Several times if needed.
        I don’t buy “we never fight”. That means for me that one is constantly swallowing shit for the sake of keeping appearances.

      • Wren says:

        Oh I agree but people tend to carry it too far and pretend everything is perfect when it’s not. I don’t believe in inflicting our personal squabbles on others but I’m also not going to gush about my “perfect husband” because that’s not true. He’s not perfect and neither am I. There are conflicts and we deal with them. Not in front of other people, and I’m certainly not going to complain about it, but I’m not going to deny it happens. This has lead a couple of my friends to worry about me because we’re so used to seeing the perfect relationship song and dance from others. It’s very liberating not having to pretend that things are ideal all the time.

        I’d like to get away from the idea that there is a perfect relationship because there isn’t. I inherently distrust people who appear to have a perfect relationship because it’s often a show and in reality is nothing of the sort. Please don’t fight in public, but please don’t carry on a farce either.

      • Micki says:

        Ah, Wren, you made me laugh! I so agree about “worried” friends. We have a sort of grumpy way of joking with one another, so when I get all polite and sweet and obliging our friends get a bit nervous….

        I think we agree on Managing the Family PR. We don’t act in front of our close friends. I always think it’s an insult for their inteligence. I don’t mind keeping the facade up in front of mere acquaintances. But after that Stepford film who can seriously buy a perfect facade?

    • detritus says:

      I think what you share has more to do with how you share your private relationship with people, and less about the quality of it, if that makes sense?

      I’ve seen exactly what you describe, where from the outside it looks perfect and loving and wonderful. Then you find out the dirt and it’s shocking because they always looked or said such loving things. This is especially true for people who are really controlling of their image.

      I’m so sorry you had (have?) to deal with a partner with NPD. That’s no cake walk, and they tend to be so charming people have issues believing your side. Hope all is well and you are getting the support you deserve.

      • sherry says:

        Thank you. When things would swing back to “normal” I would talk about how wonderful he was, my soulmate, etc. and when things were bad (silent treatment, mocking my optimism, egregious selfishness) I just didn’t say anything.

        Two years ago our daughter’s psychiatrist diagnosed her with bipolar disorder. We used to go to church with her doctor and when he diagnosed her he said, “This usually runs in families and I don’t think she got this from you.” I confirmed that once I started reading up on BPD I could see not only my husband, but his father’s behavior in that diagnosis. As I continued to educate myself on BPD, I found an article that said people with BPD oftentimes have one or more of these other personality disorders. When I started reading about NPD it was like a lightbulb exploding. So many things made sense to me. Over the last 20 years I have said more times than I can count, “It’s exhausting being married to you” or “I could die tomorrow and you wouldn’t shed a tear.” Now, I know why.

        Two years ago I told him I know what and who he is and I wasn’t going to play that game anymore. I am still working through what I know and getting help for myself. I don’t want my children to end up in a divorced situation. At the same time, knowing I am married to someone who never really loved me and is really incapable of loving anyone makes me question if that is how I want to spend the next 20, 30 or more years of my life.

      • detritus says:

        God Sherry hon, my heart goes out to you.

        Being with someone who has NPD is exhausting, and it really impacts your sense of self. Especially since people with NPD tend to find empathetic people to prey on and hide their garbage from the rest of the world so well, so surviving 20 years of it, that is some kind of strength. I’m so glad your friends are being supportive, and you have someone to talk to. Narcissists can make you feel like you are the crazy one!

        Your journey is your own, and it sounds like you’ve lived through a very special kind of hell. I can tell you though – you deserve happiness. You deserve to be loved, the way you love. If your children are you motivation, your children deserve to see you happy, and see how adults manage bad relationships. They’ve had many years learning that what you and your husband are doing is ‘normal’.
        Please don’t use them as a reason to stay, because being in a bad relationship affects them too. I say all of this with absolutely zero judgement, because being with, or leaving, an abuser is really REALLY complicated and dissolving a marriage with children is not easy, even if that is is what you want.

        You deserve to be happy and loved and safe. You deserve a partnership if that is what you want. You do not deserve to put up with someone’s baggage because they basically tricked you into marrying them. I am thinking positive things for you (because internet well wishes are magic), so expect puppies that don’t chew or poop and chocolate to arrive shortly.

      • sherry says:

        Thank you! I usually talk to my daughter’s psychiatrist before she goes in and he said the same thing, “You deserve to be happy.”

        The worst thing about this experience is I now doubt myself as far as being able to read people. I used to think I could “read” people pretty well and even had one of my old employers tell me that.

        Now I question if my perception of someone as nice is correct, or are they just showing me a facade?

      • detritus says:

        I wouldn’t beat yourself up over that even a little. Remember these people are MASTER manipulators, they frequently fool even trained therapists.
        And unlike a therapist, you were in love. That blinds everyone. No one wants to believe the person they are with is sick and probably won’t get better. And the person with NPD definitely doesn’t want you to believe that.

        I bet you are actually much better now at picking up on the minute give aways of someone with BPD or NPD though. So you are probably better at reading people now than ever.

      • Isa says:

        Sherry- I’m so sorry you have had to deal with that. I know someone that I suspect has NPD and it’s exhausting. It’s like beating your head against a wall trying to explain counsel her for her relationship. It’s only been a year and I gave up.
        I know too much about too many people’s relationships to ever think that anyone has a perfect one.
        It’s a fine line between airing your dirty laundry and being fake. I don’t need the entire town talking about us, but I don’t want everyone to assume it’s all roses either.

      • Val says:

        I may be late but I’m sending all positive vibes to you, Sherry! I’ve been in a relationship with an NPD, and it is draining and a rollercoaster of horror. I’ve done alot of reading, and while very few therapists are optimistic about treating this type of disorder… honestly I still hope, for him to be able to “see the light”, and to start understanding his behaviour, but it is a very steep slope on a very high mountain. I wish you all the best if you decide to embark on this journey with him.
        Otherwise, as detritus said… leaving seems to be the only option for many people. And as I child of divorce let me tell you… I am SO glad my parents aren’t together, I cannot deal with my dad for long periods of time. I am much happier with the healthy relationship I have with my mom.

        @detritus I think some narcissists are even completely unaware of their manipulations. They are just lost in their tiny, sad islands.

    • kibbles says:

      I would say people have gotten even better at hiding things in the digital media age. Everyone naturally posts photos of the good times, rarely the bad or the mundane which could be more than 75% of the time. I read an article that said people who brag about how happy they are in their relationship online tend to have the most problems. Maybe because they are always trying to convince other people or even themselves that things are okay, or simply to cover the fact that things are going sour behind closed doors. I had a friend who confessed her mom had cheated on her dad; I would have never guessed because their marriage seemed very solid. Another friend posted online photos of flowers her fiance sent to her and messages about how she was marrying her best friend. Shortly after that it was revealed that he had dumped her right before the wedding. Another friend, her father would physically and verbally abuse her mom but to his colleagues he seemed put together and successful in every aspect of his life. You just never know until the day you find out these people end up divorced, broken up, even killed by a violent or crazy partner. Sometimes there are no signs of any discontent to their friends and family.

  12. Bridget says:

    Work isn’t a bad thing, it just means that you’re continually putting effort in. Relationships, in order to flourish, will always take effort – and as Gellar said, that means friendships, family, and romantic relationships. Who else is worth making an effort for if not the people we love?

  13. Bros says:

    amen to that!

  14. Isa says:

    Last week a lady came up to us and said that she could tell we are really happy and we are! But we’ve also been through some really trying times. We still work at it. He still doesn’t pick up his dang socks. 🙄 Listening to what some people put up with in their marriage makes me extremely grateful for mine. Man, there’s some really messed up people out there.

    I love SMG and I want to go watch Buffy now.

  15. Karen says:

    Sad what’s happened to her acting career.

    • lissanne says:

      Yes. I don’t understand it. She owned the role of Buffy. Can’t believe that hasn’t led to more acting success for her. But she seems happy with her life.

      Meanwhile, I have all 7 seasons on tape, and watch an episode from time to time.

  16. KellzBellz says:

    So beautiful. The pics are lovely – I’m nearing 40 and still waiting on my first date. I have hope.

  17. Betsy says:

    My spousal relationship is the lone one that never feels like it’s work. Except postpartum. But I’d practically cut someone who said the wrong thing to me after giving birth, so not really the same thing.